Better Off Alone
by OvertlyConcealed
Summary: Edward is going through some hard times and closes himself off from those willing to help. Will anyone be able to break through to him? Slash OOC


**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or any of its characters.**

******Huge thanks to ****sapphirescribe and cocoalvin for looking this over for me. **  


* * *

It had been weeks since I last saw him. I tried to keep it together, not wanting to show my friends what a mess I had become. I didn't want to seem pathetic, that's what _he _had called me. I wasn't getting any better, but at least I wasn't getting any worse.

I was just numb.

I could put up with the insomnia. I could deal with the lack of appetite. I'd grown accustomed to the gnawing feeling in the pit of my stomach—the constant reminder that I just wasn't quite right.

However, the reminder of what I'd lost was something I couldn't take.

Not even one hour into cleaning the house, I found the mystery novel he'd loved so much. Somehow it had fallen under the couch. Maybe, it was the universe mocking me, letting me know it wasn't done, destroying what was left of me. I didn't even attempt to finish cleaning after that. I collapsed to the floor, bracing my back against the piece of furniture. I ran my hand along the spine of the book, noting how it was falling apart. It didn't surprise me; he'd had that book for as long as I'd known him.

I don't know how long I stared at the book before I picked myself up and threw it in the trash.

It was broken, unfixable, not worth anyone's time. Why should it be kept around?

~.~ O ~.~

"Edward," a voice called from behind me. I couldn't find it in me to turn around and find out who it was. My brain recognized it wasn't _him_, and that was all it needed to understand.

There was a plus side to not caring; I didn't need to try so hard.

I heard the intruder sigh and walk slowly through the doorway. It was moments like these I regretted having friends from before my world stopped. If there were no friends then there wouldn't be anyone who felt the need to check in on me.

When the intruder received no response from me, they walked around the chair that I was attempting to exist in and crouched down, sinking to my eye level.

"Edward," he repeated and when I didn't acknowledge him, he shifted his body so I would have to look him in the eyes.

"Jasper," I said softy. Of course it was Jasper. If anyone kept coming back, no matter how indifferent I acted or the number of calls I ignored, it would be Jasper.

He smiled softy. "Oh, so you _are_ in there."

_Barely._

I sighed and rolled my eyes. "Yes, I was just resting. I didn't hear you come in."

I knew he didn't believe me, but more importantly, I knew he wouldn't question it. All I had to do was pull myself together long enough to satisfy his concern and he would leave.

He stood, and my eyes followed his movements; it was the most I had moved in hours. He paced for a good thirty seconds, while running his hand through his wavy blond hair. I was clearly frustrating him. It was for the best; the sooner he realized I was a lost cause, the better.

He stopped his pacing so abruptly even I was startled. I was not the startling type, hell, I'm not much of anything anymore.

"You eat lunch already?"

_No._

"Yes." I nodded.

His eyebrow arched. Of course he didn't believe me.

"Oh, you mind if I have something here then? I'm starving. I'll make a couple of my famous sandwiches." He gave me a playful smile, trying to lighten the mood, attempting to get me to smile, to laugh, to anything. Ironically, the only thing he succeeded in doing was making me feel guilty. He was too good of a friend to me.

Like everyone else, he deserved better than me.

I smiled and slowly stood up. My muscles ached from the lack of movement. Might as well appease him for now, I'd have one of his sandwiches and maybe even try to smile. I'd show him just enough so he would be convinced I was fine—that this was just a small set back.

The second he left, I would be able to take off the mask—which was getting harder to maintain—and let myself fall further down the rabbit hole.

His hopeful smile almost broke me right there. The sooner I pushed him away, the better. I could see his resolve was fading.

_It was only a matter of time. _

~.~ O ~.~

My friends dragged me out. I didn't know why I let them. This was all Jasper's doing. He was more persistent than I thought. Didn't he realize his friend was long gone? Why couldn't he accept it? I surely did. I almost got out of this, but when he threatened letting Emmett in my house to drag me out of it, willing or not, I knew he was serious. Also, I knew that Emmett would love nothing more than to do it.

I made a poor man's attempt at getting ready. There was no need to try. I would stay out long enough to appease my friends. Hopefully, this would keep them off my back long enough for them to forget about me.

It would sate the guilt they probably felt, the need to include me.

It wasn't as if I enjoyed being alone. I wished for nothing more than to feel the desire to go out, have fun, and just be with my friends. But I didn't feel that way. What I actually wanted was something to make the hollow feeling stop. Nothing bothered me more than not knowing how I could fix myself.

I could feel Jasper's eyes on me the entire night, watching and waiting. It was far more annoying because I had to work so much harder to keep up my pretense.

When Emmett offered to go buy the next round of drinks, I jumped at the chance to go instead. I needed to get away from Jasper's concerned expression. I couldn't allow for him to see the hollow being that I truly was becoming. When people see something broken, they feel compelled to fix it. I didn't have the heart to tell him there was no fixing me, he shouldn't even bother, or that I didn't even have a heart left in me at all.

I made my way up the bar, trying to remember what everyone had ordered.

The bartender tried to make small talk with me; it was easy enough to ignore him. What wasn't easy to ignore was the booming laughter that rang over the crowd. My muscles tensed and I took a deep breath before slowly turning around.

"Riley," I whispered before I had a chance to stop it. I hadn't spoken his name in so long, the act of saying it made my chest ache.

I recognized him from the laugh alone. He was so close I could have reached out to touch him. With his back to me, I gave in to the desire. Without even thinking twice about it, my hand was moving toward him, twitching in anticipation.

Everything became quiet. It was like my world ended all over again. I saw where _his_ hand was. Wrapped around another guy's waist, Riley was smiling down at him. His eyes looking on in adoration, displaying the smile that I thought was only reserved for me.

I was wrong before. I did have a heart left in me, because in that moment, I felt it sink into my stomach. The last thread on which it hung gave out.

Tearing my eyes away, I headed straight out the door. Ignoring the calls from the bartender, I never looked back.

I didn't feel the need to keep up the pretense anymore. I could finally be free from the charade. What was the point in pretending I was okay, when I really wasn't?

I left for home, with one thought keeping me going. I could finally give in and succumb to what I felt, what I knew all along would happen.

I was alone, and everyone was better off without me.

~.~ O ~.~

My battery dying was the only thing that caused the ringing to finally stop. I would have stood up to turn my phone off, but I lacked the energy to do so.

Finally, I was left alone in my room. I barely remembered the walk home. I curled up into a ball and stared at my wall. I may not have the energy to move, but I was anything but tired.

What was I to do when I wasn't tired but at the same time exhausted? When all I wanted was to feel _something_, but didn't know how to make it happen. When I knew I should eat but couldn't remember the last time I felt hungry.

I did the one thing I knew I could do.

Nothing.

I lay there having no real grasp of the time.

At some point, I vaguely became aware of loud pounding at the door. I tensed at first, thinking that if it was who I thought it to be, then they would just use their key; but quickly realized I double bolted the door when I came home.

After what seemed like forever, the pounding finally ceased and I was able to get back to what I was doing.

Nothing.

~.~ O ~.~

When I heard a loud crash, I couldn't be sure if it was actually happening or if my sleep deprived brain was playing tricks on me.

I became very sure it was the former when Jasper appeared, standing in front of my line of sight. I was startled enough by his sudden appearance to find the energy to glance up and look at him questioningly.

I was _not_ ready for what I saw.

He was taking rapid breaths, clenching and unclenching his fists. His normally well-kept appearance was gone and his clothes looked disheveled. His shirt was actually torn and I noticed a cut on his bottom lip.

However it was none of those things that startled me. It was his expression. Never before had I seen him _this _angry. If it was possible, he also looked relieved and heartbroken at the same time, but the anger definitely outweighed the other two.

"Get up."

_Doesn't he ever quit?_

I made no move to comply.

"Get up, Edward!"

"No." My voice was hoarse, barely a whisper.

"I swear to God, Edward. If you don't get up…"

"What do you not understand?" I asked in a monotone voice, rolling over onto my back. "I don't want you here. Why are you even bothering?"

"I won't let you do this to yourself anymore. I've let this go on for long enough! The Edward I know—"

"The Edward you know? The Edward I _am_ is telling you to leave. What don't you comprehend about that? I'm broken, unfixable, and I'm not looking to change that any time soon."

Jasper's face fell. A look of pity formed on his face.

"Edward," he said softly.

"Get the fuck out." Even though I wanted to scream, I spoke apathetically.

The look of pity on his face was quickly replaced by anger.

_Good, I'd rather he be angry. If that is what it takes for him to finally just give up and leave._

My mind searched for the worst thing I could possibly say, and unsurprisingly, it went to the one moment I've tried to forget.

"God, you're pathetic. Here I am, telling you I don't want to see you anymore and what? Do you need me to spell it out for you? It's over."

My voice almost cracked at the end, but I kept it contained. I knew more than anyone how hurtful those words were to hear, having heard them myself just a few weeks prior. It had to be done. I knew it and whether Jasper knew or not, it was for the best.

I didn't think it was possible but the words hurt more to say than to hear.

Jasper gave me one long hard look and stormed out the bedroom.

I knew I should have felt relief, but surprisingly, I felt a wave of despair when he finally left.

Of course, Jasper leaving was going to happen eventually, better now than later.

Before I could dwell for too long, Jasper came storming back into the room. I didn't even have time to question his actions before he picked me up and threw me over his shoulder.

"Jasper, what the hell? Put me down!"

He ignored me and proceeded down the hall like a man on a mission. It wasn't until I heard the shower running that I realized where we might be headed.

"Jasper, I mean it! Put. Me. Down." I tried to squirm out of his hold, but he wasn't haven't any of that.

Before I knew it, Jasper plopped me down in the tub. The water wasn't freezing but it definitely wasn't pleasant.

"What the fu—"

I tried to get up, but Jasper interrupted and pushed me down again.

"Edward, it's time for a wakeup call. I can't keep watching you do this to yourself."

"I don't know what you're talking about." I looked around the bathroom, trying to avoid his glare.

"Like hell you don't!"

"Jasper," I sighed softly. "Please…please, just go."

Why couldn't he just leave me alone?

"No." His tone left no room for argument. He leaned forward, his hands gripping the edge of the bathtub. "The next step is knocking some sense into you…literally. I've already done that once in the last 24 hours, I won't hesitate to do it to you as well."

That was when I remembered his split lip. I looked down at his knuckles and examined them more closely. They were battered and cut.

I tentatively reached out and lightly grazed the injuries.

"What happened?" I whispered with concern.

Jasper closed his eyes and took deep breath. I took my hand quickly away, thinking my touch caused him pain. However, when his eyes shot open, they looked more saddened than pained.

He cleared his throat. "Nothing that shouldn't have happened a lot sooner."

Jasper sighed and ran his hand through his hair—which was becoming somewhat damp due to the close proximity to the shower.

"Edward, I know how hard it was for you when he left."

"Don't," I breathed out, pleading.

He took a deep breath, forcing himself to continue. "I _know _how hard it was for you when he left, but you can't keep doing this to yourself."

"I'm not doing anything."

"Don't give me that shit." Jasper pushed himself up into a standing position. "You don't think I notice? You may be able to fool everyone else, but not _me_." He placed his hand roughly over his chest.

"This is partly my fault and I know it," he said, starting to pace once again.

"What?" I looked at him incredulously. "How is anything your fault?"

"I saw what you were doing; I let it slide, _each_ and _every_ single time something came up. And I did it for stupid selfish reasons."

He wasn't making any sense. Nothing could ever be his fault. Jasper was the best friend anyone could ask for. Everything I did was my own doing. _He _left because _I _wasn't good enough. I could have been better, stronger.

"Jasper, I don't…I don't understand."

He stopped pacing and looked out the bathroom window.

"I noticed you pulling away. I noticed how insincere your smiles became, the way you returned our calls less and less. How your favorite pair of jeans became so loose on you that you had to make new holes in your belt to keep them up." He finished the sentence with a broken sob.

I didn't know what to say. I tried to think of anything that would negate his claims.

"I didn't want to bring it up. I thought if I did, if I pushed you too much or too soon, you would shut me out. I was afraid that you would become angry with me, deny everything I said and refuse to ever see me again."

I wanted to get up and wrap my arms around him. To reassure him nothing was his fault, how he had done nothing but try to reach out to me. But I couldn't move—partly because he told me not to, and partly because I was too stunned.

He had noticed so much. I thought I was better at hiding and now…now he was in pain and it was all my doing.

_No, I wouldn't destroy someone else. Not Jasper. _

Jasper turned around, and seeing him hurt tore me up inside. He took two big strides towards me and knelt down next to the tub, staring at me, almost pleading.

"I still tried to help you. I tried so hard to get you to come out with us, to eat, to be happy again."

"Jasper, stop, please." I hated to beg, but I couldn't take much more. "This was _not_ your fault." I clutched his hand, trying not to squeeze his injuries too tightly. "Everything, _everything _is my fault. I will not have you blaming yourself."

Jasper let out a breath and rested his forehead against the side of the tub.

"If only I were better…" I muttered softy.

Jasper's head popped up and looked at me, confused.

"What do you mean, 'if only I were better'?"

I let go of his hand and looked past him out the window. "If I was a better boyfriend, a better person, a better…everything, then he wouldn't have left me in the first place."

"No," Jasper growled, hitting his fists against the side of the tub. He stood up abruptly and glared at me with an intensity I'd never seen before.

"Edward, why do you never see yourself clearly?"

I rolled my eyes. "I see myself perfectly clear, that's the problem. I should have tried harder. I should have worked less. I should have given him more space. I should have—"

"Edward, you are one of the kindest, most caring individuals I have ever met. You are so much better than he was or ever will be! You always give your whole self into a relationship and never ask for one Godforsaken thing in return! If anything, you give too much."

I slowly shook my head. "Jasp—"

"No!" he interrupted, looking more determined than ever. "You need someone who will see you, and I mean really see you. Who recognizes that when you're quiet, it's not because you have nothing to say, but that something is bothering you. Who knows when you tug on your hair, it means you're trying to remember something and it's frustrating the hell out of you. Who knows that your sister and you talk every Sunday afternoon to catch up on each other's lives because keeping in touch with her is important to you since both your parents passed away."

"How do you…you noticed those things?"

Jasper leaned down next to the tub and grasped the sides of my face.

"Do you even realize how much you scared me when you I couldn't find you at the bar? You were gone, you disappeared, Edward. Then I saw Ri—_him_,and I knew what had happened. I'm so sorry you had to see him."

Jasper took a deep breath and continued.

"After, I left to go find you, you wouldn't answer your phone, and you wouldn't answer the door. I thought maybe you didn't make it home yet, and I fell asleep outside waiting for you to return. When I woke up and realized you might be inside, I thought the worst."

I noticed the steady stream of tears that flowed down his face and soon realized that my face matched his.

"I had never been so scared in my life. I lo—I care_ so_ much about you, Edward. If anything were to happen to you, I wouldn't know what to do." He choked back another sob.

I tried to wrap my head around everything he was saying. It was just too hard.

No one had ever taken the time to see these things before.

Jasper leaned forward resting his forehead against my own.

"I don't care if you believe me, Edward, because everything I said is true. I will _never_ leave you, no matter how much you believe or expect everyone else to."

I didn't know what to believe, I didn't know if I could afford to trust his promises, but I could finally say that for the first time in a long time, I felt something other than numb.

I hesitantly reached up and wrapped my arms around Jasper's neck, keeping him closer to me than I ever had before; I hoped to hold on to the new feeling that presented itself with Jasper's declaration.

It may have been hope, it may have been acceptance, maybe it was entirely something else all together, but in that moment, I knew I couldn't give up without trying, not when I felt _something._


End file.
